Dr. Mann on big butts
I know guys dont have much fashion sense, but why
cant my man answer a simple question like How
does my butt look in these jeans?
Booty in Bamboo
Dr. Mann: Rest assured your man has
plenty of opinions about how your derriere looks, many of
them not suitable for this fine family publication.
However, Dr. Mann also knows there are only two questions
that send a chill deep into the soul of any man. This is
one. The other is Can we talk?
However, Can we talk? can be answered with a
simple yes or no, or more often by the Sure, but it
will have to be later, because your mother is coming for
dinner next week and I told the boss Id have this
report done by Thursday and Im thinking of
enlisting in the Peace Corps. Get back with me in three
Answering the question about the state of the honey buns
is a sticky situation that requires even more creativity.
If the relationship is measured in years instead of
hours, then he has probably seen a younger, firmer, more
freshly baked version of the delicacy in question. He cant
admit that it was ever less than delightful, and that it
grows more yum with each extra ounce.
So he will inevitably go for a bait-and-switch technique,
hoping to avoid the issue. I am interested in Platos
theory that Atlantis was the seat of all human
intelligence as delivered upon our ancestors by alien
visitors, he will say.
To which, of course, you will respond, Sure, but
does this mean you think my buttocks are like two
Volkswagen Beetles trying to pass on a one-lane road?
The wise man will insist that size doesnt matter,
just as women have been conditioning themselves to
believe that same lie for hundreds of years, or at least
since the advent of easily available video evidence sold
in adult bookstores. All that matters to me is the
size of your heart, he will say.
This means you think my butt looks like a dozen
rats fighting in a wet paper sack, you will moan in
Equally dismayed, he tilts the conversation to a
different part of the sentence. Where did you buy
those jeans, anyway? Were they on sale? Such a lame
and desperate attempt to argue over money will be so
transparent that even an angry woman will be able to see
Im a hideous cow, you will say,
probably on the verge of tears. Its all your
fault for selling my Bowflex at that yard sale.
The man recalls that the Bowflex sat in the basement for
three years gathering dust, and he also suddenly and
conveniently remembers you sold his collection of
limited-edition Slim Whitman records for a buck. He tries
to turn this issue into an argument, again seeking to
shift attention from fleshly matters to the material
Slim, you will wail. That should have
been a clue. Youll never love me for what I am.
Without doubt, at this moment he will have no idea what
you are. He is tempted to storm from the room in a gloomy
huff, but you block the doorway with your new pair of
So you think my butt is two gallons of potato soup
in a party balloon, you say.
All avenues exhausted, your man will try for obvious
flattery, because naturally you would settle for nothing
less in a relationship than a true gentleman, and the
only difference between gentlemen and jerks is in their
ability to lie. Better by the second, he will
He means it. You dont believe him, but you are a
lady, and ladies respond, Thats sweet, honey.
Your gentleman should then reach out to make sure the
dough is warm and rising. If he doesnt, you have
Dr. Manns permission to sit on him.
2006 by Dr. Mann/Jones Media)
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